The Waiting...

...is Patience a Virtue?

If anything in my quarter century has taught me, it's that this theory is true. Good things come to those that wait. Nice guys finish last. These parables that speak true to me, yet I wish I could throw them right out of the window and start over with a new perspective on life. I've wondered how my life would turn out if I stopped being the person I am. If I put down my wall just went out there and reached for what I want. I've seen what happens when you sit patiently and wait your turn. Nothing happens. I've also seen what happens when you drop all inhibitions and take a shot. For me, I'm still waiting for my home run. It would seem that my experiences have taught me a lose-lose mentality in ambition. I have to hover somewhere in between narcissism and melancholy. I'm looking forward to something special. I'm going to take my shot and see what happens. At this point, it doesn't matter if it works or not. But I'm not going to go the rest of my life wondering what could have been.

The Suffering! Not really.

Here's a scene from one of my favorite films of all time. As I watched it last night, it spoke to me as the final nail on the head to overcome any anxiety or self doubt and go out and get it.

















Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He’s the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he’s also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.

As we wait patiently, we'll learn so much.
Current Music - misery signals

I'm Listening...

...But Your Voice is Never Audible.

People ask me why I write. I try to come up with a clever answer like I'm sorting myself out or that I can only express myself through words on a page. Or in this case, a blog. I'm learning that life is confusing. It's an enduring waiting game for something better to come along. When we are completely happy in a relationship, are we really happy? Maybe for a little while. But then something comes along and changes everything you thought was right. Is it what you do in the moment? Maybe. I believe it's how you handle yourself in the days following.

I wonder at night as I struggle to sleep if my actions I take can exonerate my demons from my past. Progressive thinking should tell you that it is possible for this theory to take place. I've usually played my cards close to my chest. Don't ask me why. I put myself absolutely and completely into some things in the past to no avail. Soon followed by a failed attempt with apprehension. It only created a void between myself and the goal. My ears are open now to whatever comes next.

While I listen, I conjure an idea if a photograph can encapsulate a sound. I believe so. What do you see when you look into this picture?












It may just be a picture, yet you hear what is happening, Sure, it may not be audible, but if you listen closely, it's there.

Curent Music - further seems forever

When You Reach the Stars...

...You Made It.

In the past handful of months I've been up and down. I've been put into collections. I lost the one person who gave a damn about me. And my personal demons have surfaced leaving nothing for me to hide behind. I'm looking forward to a fresher outlook on life. In the tumultuous days behind I have learned some things. I have mage new "friends" that both facilitate my human contact and my creative outlet. The only bad thing is I'm sure in a few months I'll be right back where I started. I've had some issues with worrying about the end before it begins. Although I'm taking control of my life and hope to enjoy the ride while I'm here.

You have to be down to look up.

Current Music - yellowcard

The Dream...

...So Long My Friend.

I've taken some time away from the blog in order both to focus on my script and to soul search my way to an idea for the future. Have I learned much? Not really. I did put together a script that has garnered favorable acclaim from my very small circle of friends. Id it going to be the next Sundance award winning film? Probably not, but dammit completing the script was my own Everest. Maybe it can materialize one day, but for down I'll set it off to sail in the sky. One day, I'll find the strength to chase it down. It the endless nights I've had in the last few weeks, I've had my ups and downs. But now, I've put my foot down and taking control of my mind. I've spent many nights wallowing in self pity and borderline depression, but it's a demon I've created that I can easily tame. With time I'll control my thoughts better, but I'm happy to be writing again.

If anyone is reading this and is having issues with cynicism and/or self loathing, consider yourself lucky that you can see something like that in yourself. Sometimes people will go their entire lives without looking into themselves, often after it's too late and there's nothing to do about it. It's getting easier to smile.

"It's only after you've lost everything, that you have everything to gain" - a quote from yours truly.

Current Music - cartel